How to Pick an Emotionally Supportive Partner (as a Highly Sensitive Person)

My dad lived with emotional walls up.

To say he was the strong, silent type was an understatement. 

As much as I loved him, when I started dating, I knew I needed something different when I chose my life partner. 

When he was upset, he pulled back, not talking to anyone. After a while, it would blow over. But his moods created tension in our house.

As a highly sensitive person, I pick up on the unspoken emotions of people around me.

I knew something was off, but I never knew exactly what it was. As a result, I would tread lightly and stuff down my feelings. 

I didn’t like who I became around him. I made myself shrink down, was hesitant, quiet and withdrawn. 

If you’re an HSP, perhaps you can relate to this feeling?

I always held onto hope that I could create a different dynamic with my future spouse, so I wouldn’t have to live the second half of my life with that feeling of being unseen or insignificant. 

Have you thought about what your past relationships can teach you about what you want and need in a future partner? 

Past relationships can teach you what you want in future partners

For me, my relationship with my dad showed me I didn’t want to end up with a mate who communicated more through silence than through words. 

I wanted to be with a partner who could talk about his feelings, admit when he was wrong and apologize. 

When I stopped to think about it, I had to admit that I wanted a spouse who could go all in and go to therapy with me if we hit a rough patch as a couple. 

Believe it or not, I’d actually ask my boyfriend how he’d feel about going to counseling if we ended up together. Being open to going to couples therapy was a must-have in order for me to consider putting a ring on it. 

Could he handle spending 50 minutes once a week in a room talking about feelings and our connection? 

If the answer was no, that spoke volumes. 

Not only did it mean that my partner didn’t share my drive to grow and to understand each other on a deeper level, it also meant I’d be working to find a solution to our problems alone. 

That was a no go. 

I knew what it felt like not to feel seen in a relationship, and I also knew that I’d rather be single than feel lonely and invisible with my partner. 

Minding the gap

When I first started dating, I fell into patterns based on what I’d experienced with my dad. 

I was a magnet for non-expressive men. The kind who preferred heavy intellectual debates and who turned their back to conversations about feelings. 

That’s what felt normal to me. 

Relating any other way felt too intimate. 

I’d unconsciously adopted my dad’s distant, non-expressive emotional style. I wanted to avoid being seen as too sensitive or labeled as high maintenance. So I withdrew when I was upset. 

Then during relationship coach training, I read John Gottman’s relationship research and learned that the habit of pulling back in silence is “stonewalling” and it’s a top reason marriages don’t last.  

If I wanted to have an emotionally close and supportive relationship, I had some things to learn.

I needed to break a few of my relationship patterns to get there. 

Because what I wanted and what felt normal to me were two different things. 

How to think of dating as a training ground for learning new relationship skills

When I went through relationship coach training, I learned that to create a satisfying relationship, we need certain relationship skills. 

Dating was my chance to practice learning those skills and also to learn about myself.

I needed to learn to name what I was feeling, to notice when I was holding back and disengaging, to soothe myself when I was flooded by my feelings, and to be a self-advocate and speak up for my needs in a way that my partner could hear. 

Those weren’t skills I could develop by myself. I needed a partner to practice them with.  

Dating gave me a chance to discover how to put my feelings into words. To listen to my gut and to notice how my partner affected my energy and whether I could be fully myself around him.

I knew that dating was very important. And that who you date determines who you commit to. And that the life partner you choose has the biggest impact on your daily happiness as an HSP.  

The dating pep talk for HSPs

I dated for many years, way after all my friends were married. 

And my patience and desire to grow in my relationships led me to connect with a man who is a true partner. I can talk with him about what I’m thinking and feeling, and we can even cry together. 

I know that putting yourself out there to meet people to date is exhausting as an HSP. 

So it’s a relief when you meet someone who isn’t playing games and wants to see only you.

But don’t settle for someone that’s not a true fit just because you’re tired of dating.

Use dating to learn about yourself, the type of partner you need, and to build new relationships skills. 

You can have the emotional closeness that you crave and deserve in a relationship.

And you can be your full HSP self without being judged as being too sensitive. 

Yes, you have emotional needs. But every human has emotional needs. 

It’s what makes us human.