Trying to Toughen Up as an HSP? Try This Instead

It started as a kid at the dinner table. 

My dad would tell me to eat my dry hamburger in a stern tone of voice and inevitably tears would start to well up.

Then my sister would sneak a peek over at me to see if I was crying again.

That’s how I knew my tears were too much.

I desperately wished for a shut-off valve that I could use to turn off the tears whenever I needed to. 

Without that, I sheltered my eyes behind my very large permed bangs. And, as I got older, silence became my self-defense at the dinner table. I learned to hold it together until I could hightail it to my room. 

Being quiet and agreeable got me through until after college. 

Then, with the inevitable complications of dating and heartbreak, my emotions became more complex, and I built more elaborate walls and defense mechanisms.

I thought I knew the solution to avoid getting hurt. I made a list of the qualities I wanted in a partner. I crafted a prototype of a mate who was less likely to pull the rug out from under me. 

Dating with a list in mind didn’t take chemistry into account. But that ended up being a good thing because I wouldn’t get as emotionally attached. It made it even more certain that I wouldn’t get the wind knocked out of me by a surprise breakup.  

What I didn’t realize was that by doing what I lovingly call “defensive dating”, I cut myself off from my emotional GPS, which as you’ll see in a sec, became even more of an issue when it came time to choose a life partner. 

As an HSP, all I ever wanted was to feel like my life wasn’t being ruled by my emotions. 

But soon enough, I learned that without them I was at a disadvantage. 

Go figure, after all that time of wishing them away, my emotions turned out to be pretty important. 

Here’s an example to illustrate this.

If you’re driving from New York City to San Francisco, things are all good, as long as things are all good. 

You’re happy. Your car is humming along. No adjustments needed here. Carry on as you were.

But then your car starts screeching and smoking. 

You can keep driving and pretend like everything’s fine. 

But then you’ll end up breaking down in the middle of the desert with no cell service, thirsty and kicking yourself that you didn’t pull off when you first saw that your engine was overheating. 

If all road trips were easy peasy, we’d be good. 

But when your car acts up, it’s your fear of breaking down and being stranded that gets you to pull off and find a repair person. 

In the same way, all the upsetting emotions that we want to stop having as HSPs are showing us that we need to pay attention to something in our life. 

When my first husband proposed, I was so good at ignoring my emotions, I dismissed all the complicated feelings about our relationship that overwhelmed me. So I put on the white dress and took vows when I shouldn’t have. 

Over time, I couldn’t keep sidestepping the gray cloud that emerged when I thought about how long a lifetime really was. I had to admit to myself that I’d taken a wrong turn. I was in the wrong marriage.  

I finally accepted my feelings. 

I very lovingly said to myself, “your feelings are valid and your needs are real. And I will make sure you get what you need.”

To give yourself this kind of loving care and self-acceptance may require you to say shush to other people’s opinions ringing in your head. 

The ones that say, “you just need to get over it”, “shake it off and keep going”, and “stop overthinking it.” 

The opinions may sound like the voice of your mom or dad, a coach, teacher or friend who, in the past, didn’t know how to react to your sensitivity.

But there’s an upside. 

Accepting your feelings is the true path to happiness

When you give yourself permission to honor your feelings, you can set boundaries and build a life that allows you to thrive. 

One that makes you truly happy. 

You can find a job that doesn’t leave you depleted and worn out, with no energy left at the end of the day. 

You can leave white space in your calendar to rest and recharge.

You can be intentional about who you give your precious limited energy to. And spend less time with people who drain you of your vital life force energy. 

Okay, yes, that’s the upside. 

But then you may also face a dilemma. 

What do you do with the hard feelings? 

The ones your parents didn’t know how to help you deal with. And so they tried to cram them back in like they were trying to shove a large sweatshirt back into a full dresser drawer. 

Your family responded to you with bewilderment because, to them, you were an emotional Rubik’s cube that they couldn’t quite figure out. 

But it’s possible to live a life that honors your emotions without stuffing them down. 

The first step is to learn about high sensitivity. And to learn new skills and strategies for disarming big emotions. 

Then learn how to calm your pounding heart so you can set boundaries and have hard but important conversations where you can speak your truth.

Self-acceptance is a pre-requisite for being able to set boundaries. 

And all of these things are skills that can be learned. 

There’s a funny thing that happens when you accept yourself and what you need. 

The people around you accept you too. 

And both are priceless.