11 Ways to Cope with a Breakup as a Highly Sensitive Person

My friend, as someone who's been through many breakups, I know life is hard right now. 

The feelings that come from a breakup can be intense as an HSP, whether or not you saw it coming.

Here are 11 things that will help you cope and heal.

1.You’re not flawed or unworthy of love. The relationship just wasn’t a match.   

A breakup isn't a statement on how lovable, outgoing, interesting, funny, attractive or intelligent you are.

I know it feels like it is, because a breakup feels intensely personal. But in truth, the relationship is over because you and your ex are not a match. 

I’ll admit, it took awhile for this idea to sink in. Here’s an example to illustrate this. 

Imagine you’re flipping through online profiles and you read this:

“I’m looking to meet an extroverted and versatile partner who can be comfortable walking into any situation. You can easily transition from dressing up and working the room with me at an office party, to staying up until 3 a.m. going to clubs, to playing touch football with my nieces and nephews at Sunday family dinner.” 

And then a second and very different profile says this:

“I’m seeking a true partner in life. Someone who loves staying home on Friday nights with a movie and some takeout. Someone who is up for exploring the greater mysteries of life through meditation and yoga.” 

Which profile are you drawn to? Neither one is wrong. 

But the one that’s a match is the one that resonates more with your essential nature and how you approach your life.  

When you think there’s something wrong with you, remember that the relationship just wasn’t a good fit for both of you. But you’re still a good, worthy person. 

2. Cry without triggering more pain. 

Has anyone ever taught you how to cry to feel better? 

When you’re crying, focus on feeling the sensations of crying. For example, the burning of the tears in your eyes, and the tightening in your face, throat and chest. Your tears will naturally slow and lose steam if you connect with your body. 

Certain kinds of thoughts feed the pain and perpetuate your tears. It’s natural to think thoughts like, “why didn’t he/she/they want me?”, “I must be unlovable. Why does no one ever choose me?”

But these thoughts just add to the emotional wreckage and make you more upset. When they flood your mind, just bring your attention back to the sensation of crying. 

3. Avoid picking the emotional wound. 

Emotions of loss and sadness are triggered by reminders in your environment. Things like seeing a car like your ex’s or driving by a special place where you spent time together. 

You will accidentally run into these reminders. So don’t overwhelm yourself even more by listening to “your song” over and over. Or by smelling your ex’s t-shirt, driving by their house, reading old text messages or looking at their Instagram or Facebook profiles. 

Change your ringtone or your text message notification chime so every time it goes off you’re not reminded of your ex. 

To heal, get out of their force field. Create space between you to be released from the grasp of the attachment you feel to them. And let the energetic hold they have on you begin to dissipate. 

4. Let go of needing to know “why”. 

If you considered building a life together, you and your ex probably talked about your relationship and you have some sense of why it ended. 

But if you dated more casually, you may feel like you're left with a big question mark. 

You may think it would be good to know exactly why your partner didn’t think you were a match. 

But would it really?

I’ve had people take the “honesty” approach with me, and it didn’t feel very good. Like the guy who told me he liked women skinnier than me. 

When it comes down to it, a relationship will only work if both people feel it resonates on every level. And if both people choose one another. 

If the other person pulls the plug, something is missing in the dynamic you create together. And you would eventually come to the same conclusion. 

Once you’re released from the bond you shared with your ex, with hindsight, you’ll be able to see that the relationship wasn’t a complete match.

5. Beware of drama bonding. 

Notice if you want your ex more because you can’t have them. 

The hole they’ve left in your life intensifies your longing for them. Your powerful feelings may be a reaction to the sudden pain of the loss. 

And if they come and go from your life, the drama may stir up feelings similar to desire. 

Ask yourself, do I miss them, or do I miss the idea of them and the fantasy I’d created about the future we’d have together? 

As an HSP, you are very perceptive and a pro at reading the energy of a relationship. 

In my experience, the right relationship has an energy of ease to it. As in, your partner is matching you step for step. 

When it’s right, you don’t have to force it, you’re just in sync.

6. Manage your thoughts about the breakup. 

This is essential no matter who initiated the split. 

Your thoughts influence how you feel. And your mind naturally has a negativity bias that you need to disrupt. 

Thoughts like, “what’s wrong with me, I’m not good enough.” 

Or “I’ll never meet anyone else to date again.” 

And “time is running out”, will only make you feel worse. 

When they pop up, notice them, and reframe them with “the right partner will believe I’m perfect just as I am.” Or try, “I met my ex, there’s no reason I won’t be able to meet someone else to date in the future.”

And “I’ve got a lifetime to find the right partner.” These thoughts will take the pressure off the idea that time is running out. 

You are completely loveable, just as you are. 

When you’re with the right person, there’s nothing you will need to change about who you are and you can just be your true self.

Okay, now let’s switch gears slightly and talk about how to cope if you’re the one who’s ending the relationship. 

7. As an HSP who is a deep thinker and who likes to pause before taking action, it’s okay to take your time to end it. 

It may take a little while to be ready to end a relationship. And that’s okay. When you do, it’ll mean you’ve already done some anticipatory grieving so you’re ready to let the other person go.

Now, on the flip side, it’s easy to give the benefit of the doubt too long to someone you’re attached to. If being with your partner weakens your self-love or makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s time to say goodbye.

If you’re in a relationship that you know you need to end but it’s hard to leave, connect with a therapist who can help you navigate your way out of it.

8. Let it be over. Avoid relationship do-overs. 

In one of my earliest breakups after grad school, I discovered that getting back together after a breakup was a way to avoid having to go through the tunnel of hard emotions that was triggered by splitting up. 

I set a rule for myself that I wouldn’t second guess a breakup that I’d initiated. Once I’d said it was over, I wouldn’t get back together with them. 

Going back meant I’d get sucked back in and have to make a break a second time, which was the inevitable conclusion because my first instincts were always right. 

Having a relationship do-over just prolonged the pain, made us both more confused, created drama bonding, and delayed my healing.

Plus, if I knew I was with the wrong person, that kept me from being available for the right person to come into my life. 

9. Going to couples therapy when you’re dating is a red flag. 

If you’re considering getting couples therapy with a boyfriend or girlfriend, that means you have some pretty significant incompatibilities and may be a sign you need to pull the plug rather than patch things back up. 

I’ve only done it once, and it was a delay tactic for putting off ending the relationship. 

I get it, it’s hard to say goodbye if you love someone who is wrong for you. 

But love can’t make up for essential incompatibilities, like a lack of trust or having different communication styles that keep you from feeling safe to speak your truth. 

Love alone isn’t enough to make a relationship endure. The relationship has to be a match on all levels. 

10. Think twice before making rash decisions after a breakup. 

Like dyeing your hair purple, getting a drastic haircut, a tattoo, or deciding to move out of town. 

Sometimes the change may be a sign that you’re embracing liberation, going through an identity shift, and feeling lighter and ready for a fresh start.

Or sometimes it may be a distraction or a way of escaping from dealing with hard feelings. 

11. Embrace the energy of healing in all its forms. 

After a breakup, there will be a space left in your life. 

Fill it up with new routines that make you feel strong emotionally and physically. Exercise. See loved ones. Eat healthy. Meditate. Journal to make sense of the loss by tapping into the problem-solving part of your brain and shifting the burden off your emotional brain.

Believe in the abundance of the Universe (or the higher power of your choice) to bring you the right partner. 

The Universe is on your side. 

You are stronger than you know. 

Be gentle and patient with yourself, heal and stay open and available. 

And the right love will emerge at the right time. 

If you’re struggling to end an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, here are some resources that may help:

https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/forms-abuse/emotional-abuse

https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/state-resources#VA