How to Be Calm and Confident When Making New Friends as a Highly Sensitive Person
Making new friends has always been nerve-racking for me.
Worried I won’t make a good impression, I am guarded and on edge when I speak.
And then afterwards I still invariably kick myself for sticking my foot in my mouth.
How is it possible that I could be so careful and still speak without thinking? This happens to me a lot when I’m trying to keep up with a fast-paced conversation.
Adam made plans for us to have a socially distanced happy hour with our neighbors, which gave me a chance to work on this. Or at least, that’s what I told myself as the butterflies crept in while I got ready.
10 years ago I’d have a quick drink to loosen up. But alcohol makes me sleepy and more quiet, so now I skip it, which means I need some other tricks to stay loose.
Here’s what worked for me to get out of my comfort zone and not fall into nervous mindless blathering.
First and most important, I rested up during the day so I had enough energy to be “on” and to mindfully breathe through my nerves.
Then, getting ready, I remembered my motto to reframe the nervous butterflies in my stomach as excitement.
In my post, This Science-Backed Mantra Will Help You Shine Under Pressure When All Eyes Are On You (for Highly Sensitive People), I talk about the research that shows that reframing nerves as excitement changes how you show up.
Telling myself, “I am excited” as I’m walking to see the neighbors across our adjoining decks changes my confidence level as I greet them. I’m open and energetic and offer a big warm socially distanced air hug rather than sneaking in quietly and then hanging back.
Once we’re together, I work to keep an even footing and ground myself to a sense of inner calm.
So often, I’m swept away by the fast-paced conversation and nerves. Trying to match the pace of the conversation, I plow ahead and speak without thinking and then beat myself up for it later.
But tonight, my goal is to slow things down by injecting some mindfulness into the moment, kind of like how a boat drops an anchor to keep the vessel still and steady.
Here’s what worked from that night.
Noticing my breath. Periodically noticing that my breathing was shallow and constricted gave me a chance to get some air into my lungs by deepening the exhale of my nasal belly breath. If you’re not breathing, your body thinks it’s having an emergency, and it’s hard to think clearly.
Scanning for tension in the body. Tuning into what my body was doing, I could see that my shoulders were pinned up next to my ears and release them.
Sensing the solar plexus. With a deep breath, placing my attention on my belly, I imagined I was supporting myself by thinking “support”.
Anchoring to the space using my senses. Honing in on something in my environment lets me throw another anchor to the present moment and create a tiny opening to breathe. Each breath helps to hold my boat steady. I paused to soak up the view from the deck and quietly recited the word “sunset” in my mind. I felt the bottom of my feet touch my flip flops, thinking “feet” to support my focus. I noticed the sounds of a chorus of chirping crickets. I savored the taste of my lemon water and smelled the cigar smoke wafting from a few houses down.
It all helps, and I can tell that I’m doing a better job of managing my stress because I’m enjoying our time together. I’m bummed to leave the conversation when I have to run into the house for a minute. Whereas in the past I’d make excuses to go in and hide.
After the night is over, and I’m winding down for bed, I’m not kicking myself as I remember the things I said.
“Hmm, that’s different”, I think to myself. It feels like progress.
A case for mindful socializing
Meeting new people and wanting to make a good impression can put the nerves into overdrive and lead to mindless talking as you try to match the fast pace of a conversation.
The next thing you know, you’ve blurted out things you’ll regret later.
Injecting some mindfulness into the moment can calm your nerves.
Be well-rested, think “I am excited” and anchor yourself using your breath and senses.
It’s possible to change this pattern.
Give it a try the next time you want to turn neighbors into friends.