7 Qualities Every Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) Needs in a Life Partner
I never wanted to get swept up in love and lose my mind.
That seemed way too risky for a highly sensitive person (HSP) like me. So I distanced myself from my feelings and put my head in charge of dating.
Dating people I was attracted to made me feel too overwhelmed. I couldn’t get words out. My palms got sweaty, my brain came to a halt and my heart flew into my throat. I hated feeling that out of control.
I thought attraction was fleeting and if I could make an emotional connection, the physical attraction would grow. Physical chemistry fades with time anyway, right?
In college and grad school, a couple of beers always got me over my fear of talking to guys. And I ended up having a few serious boyfriends.
Then around the time my dad got sick in my 20s, a guy I was dating broke up with me out of the blue and that sealed the deal that I’d date with my head rather than my heart.
I decided that emotionally safe guys meditated and did yoga. How many guys in their 20s and 30s do these things? I’ll tell ya. Not many. So if a guy knew about Downward-Facing Dog, I overlooked a variety of bad traits and poor personal hygiene to make it work.
My head was still in charge when I married the first time. So when that relationship ended in divorce I knew I needed to date differently. I didn’t want to repeat the same relationship mistake over and over. Picking a future partner had to be as much an emotional choice as a logical one.
As I started dating again, my goal was to notice how I opened up and came alive or shut down and became smaller around my date. If I married again, I needed 7 things for the relationship to feel right:
Physical chemistry. HSPs hate feeling emotionally unhinged around new people. But I was ready for blushing, stammering and heart fluttering desire. Physical chemistry acts like glue in a marriage. It makes you want to go the extra mile for your mate. It gets you smiling from ear to ear, even though at any moment you could walk through the house and count no less than 7 abandoned coffee cups. Attraction helps you give your partner the benefit of the doubt over and over.
Emotional chemistry. Emotional chemistry develops when you’ve got similar values and upbringings. You’re at ease together and you can be goofy and laugh together. And you can speak honestly about what’s on your mind. If a conversation about your relationship makes you wish you’d been on the debate team in high school, that’s a sign your communication styles are too different. As an HSP, you need to be able to talk about your feelings. If you talk past each other and feel dismissed repeatedly, that’s a no go.
A financial equal. As an HSP, I’m naturally cautious and that extends to how I manage money. I’ve always saved money for emergencies, even if it was just $20 a month. Finances are one of the top reasons couples argue. Knowing that, my partner needs a solid track record of holding a job, saving money and living within his means. I don’t make much money or need a partner who earns more than me, but I need a partner with a similar way of watching pennies.
A self-aware partner. A guy who can have conversations about feelings and who possesses emotional intelligence is essential for an HSP. I’m always thinking about my personal development and how I can evolve. I need a partner who doesn’t need to be right 24-7 and who can reflect on his actions and say I’m sorry. He has to be open to learning about relationships and is willing to go to therapy if we ever need to.
Belief in a higher power. As an HSP, I have an intuitive faith that there’s some force for good creating order in the universe. I was raised Catholic but I’m not religious anymore. I don’t need my partner to meditate but I still want to share my spirituality with him.
A generally happy person. I’m tuned into my partner's mood as an HSP. Walking on eggshells or wading through an air of tension won’t work. I need a partner who has worked through old relationship baggage and isn’t cynical. Who laughs and says I love you and has a lightness towards life. By no means do I expect him to be happy and stress-free all the time. But being good-natured is important.
Low risk-taking behavior. 30% of HSPs are sensation seekers who love novel and intense experiences. But that’s not me. And I will never be a match for an adrenaline junky. Someone who has done hard drugs, lives without health insurance, or skydives is too much of a risk-taker for me to share a life with. I’m on edge anytime I pay a bill too late, watch an episode of Real Housewives or board an airplane. I don’t need any extra drama in my life.
The real deal dating as an HSP
While dating is stressful, it’s temporary stress. It’s worth it to put yourself out there in search of the right partner because the long-term daily stress of being with a partner who isn’t a match is much worse.
So when you blush on that first or second date with your heart pounding in your ears, be grateful for it. Do some deep belly breathing and stay open and carefully optimistic.
Let go of partners that don't allow you to show up as the real you. Make space for someone that's a better fit to come into your life.
And have faith that a new partner will appear at the right and perfect time.
Your future self will thank you.