Do These 5 Things To Stop Holiday Family Conflict Before It Starts
I’m 8 years old and I’m watching White Christmas with my sister on the old rabbit ear television in her bedroom. My new Barbie is tucked in next to me wearing her gold lame bathing suit and cape.
It’s peaceful. Easy and cozy.
It’s the relaxed Christmas scene we want as adults. But being the people in charge of the holiday makes it hard to get.
Add in the visits with our relatives. Whom we love, but who enjoy testing social norms of good dinner conversation by bringing up politics, your parenting, and therapy during the holiday meal.
We need to have a plan going in. So overeating and overdrinking aren’t the default survival strategies.
Here are five things to try.
1. Ask yourself, what choices will you make on behalf of your own inner peace?
When I’m feeling stressed, it’s because of competing demands. If you're a parent, you know this better than I do.
You want the holiday to be perfect. And you also don't want to have a panic attack on Christmas Eve.
You want a peaceful, fun day. And you also want to be yourself around family, which puts you at risk for stepping in a land mine (if this is you, keep reading).
Before the chaos begins, stop, if only for 10 minutes and look at the big picture.
How do you want to feel this holiday?
What are the competing priorities that cause you stress?
What’s most important and what will you let go of?
My priority is to be playful rather than worried about family dynamics.
Playful is the work motto that helped me let go of perfectionism and stress when planning the holiday work party. I went from rushing, multi-tasking, and obsessing, to releasing what I couldn’t control.
It also led to a major AH HA moment.
My good mood can stay in tact no matter what’s going on around me. Read more in my post about unconditional happiness.
2. Be ready to be proactive
Heading into the Christmas gauntlet, I want to feel in control in the best possible way.
And in the only way that’s actually possible.
I want to be in charge of me, which means setting my focus ahead of time.
Thinking about my aim, attitude, and attention as Caroline Webb says in How To Have A Good Day gets me there.
Here’s my mindset for my holiday:
Aim- My top priority is to feel empowered to be playful and have fun, as I said above.
Attitude- Going into the holiday, I have some anxiety about old family dynamics resurfacing. Knowing that I’m worried, I’m consciously choosing to adopt the perspective that today is a new day, with a chance for things to go differently. I will strive to be light and easily pleased.
Attention- I want to notice positivity and warmth coming from other people. I will give warm hellos to set the tone. And be easy to laugh.
3. Give people the benefit of the doubt
Many years ago, a supervisor created our work culture around the motto of giving each other the benefit of the doubt. That stuck with me. I can decide that other people have good intentions, even if their behavior is a bit off.
We tend to cut ourselves slack for being crabby if we’re having a bad day. But we view the same behavior in someone else as a major personality flaw.
If we can come up with a theory as to why someone is having a temporary bad moment, we can cut them a break. We’re less likely to take it personally. And we may even be able to have our good mood rub off on them.
4. How to disagree and still bring out the best in your family members
Do you ever walk away from a conversation and think of exactly the right thing to say a moment too late?
This happens when I feel put on the spot. I can’t think of a tactful way to say what’s on my mind. And my brain freezes up.
Then I want a do-over to share my thoughts constructively.
No one wants to trigger defensiveness or get backed in a corner. But we also want to share an opinion that may be different.
A praise sandwich with a twist (loosely adapted from Webb’s book) is a way to share your perspective. Inserting a negative statement between two positive statements is less likely to make the other person feel threatened.
When an opinion is raised that you don't agree with:
Be curious and ask to hear more about their point of view.
Say something about how you agree with their perspective.
Add something specific that you like about their position.
Say, “I’d like it even better if…” and add your concerns. Replace “buts” with “ands”.
End on a positive note.
Here’s an example:
Your sister wants your opinion about how to deal with a problem at work. You have doubts about her approach and you know from experience that she’ll get defensive if you share a contrary opinion. You want to present your thoughts in a constructive way.
Start by asking her what she thinks about it. “What are the pros and cons of this approach from your perspective?” By being curious, you’ll learn more and perhaps discover some common ground.
Highlight what you agree with and add something specific that you like about it. “It sounds like a change needs to be made and that someone needs to provide this feedback about how things aren’t working.”
Move into the cons, “I’d like it even more if there was a way for you to have a conversation directly with your boss rather than going up to the top.” Wait and listen some more.
End on a positive note. “Your perspective as someone in the trenches is very valuable to your supervisor.”
This approach has an attitude of caring, collaboration, and curiosity. Rather than “here’s the chance I’ve been waiting for to finally have my perspective heard (insert evil laugh and hand rubbing)!!”
5. Have a holiday motto to support your attitude
I need a way to remember how I want to behave during time with family.
Inspired by Gretchen Rubin’s Happier Podcast, Episode 196, I’m choosing Joyful and Triumphant to keep my aim of empowered playful in the front of my mind.
And to remind me to notice the good feelings around me.
Try selecting a holiday motto to remember your aim. Comfort and joy. Merry and bright. Let your heart be light. Tis the season to be jolly. All is calm, all is bright. Heaven and nature sings.
Listen to Gretchen's podcast for more inspiration.
Above all, remember to breathe, and know that I’m here cheering you on. Giving you the benefit of the doubt. No matter what.
YOUR TURN
Have you found a secret for creating a relaxed Christmas scene as an adult?
TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS