8 Tips for Loving and Living With a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)

What’s it like being my partner? 

There’s a lot of “earth to Marya” and me saying, “can you turn down the TV a little bit”, and “I need a little bit of down time first”. 

But I’ll startle you with my keen observations. I’ll get you to slow down to savor moments of life you would normally miss— a sunset, a sweet song, a bite of delicious food that I’ve prepared from scratch. And I’ll inspire you to live a life of purpose and meaning so when you look back you have zero regrets. 

You have a 36% chance of dating or falling in love with a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) since 1 out of 5 people or 1.4 billion men and women across the globe are highly sensitive. 

HSPs inherit a more sensitive nervous system. This nervous system is a normal difference and an evolutionary advantage.

My super senses notice little details everywhere I go. It’s a strength and will save our lives if we’re ever in a building that catches on fire. Adam and I will be the first to make it out because I’m more aware of little things going on around us thanks to deeper thinking and mental processing. But this leads to overstimulation in new, intense or chaotic spaces. And also to greater empathy and emotional reactivity.

What’s it like to live with and love an HSP? I’ll tell you. And I’ll give you 8 tips for navigating our quirks and idiosyncrasies.

1. If I’m lost in thought, make sure you have my full attention before you start talking. I have a rich inner world, which means I’m often lost in my head. Adam sometimes thinks I need my ears checked because he has to repeat things as I switch off my brain and focus on him. Once he has my full attention, I’ll share thoughtful observations that make him think about life in a different way. Tip: Make eye contact before sharing big news. 

2. I need time to make a decision. Be patient and help me narrow down the options. Because I’m a deep processor, I need time to mull over the pros and cons of a decision. I want to consider the big picture as well as little details and the short and long-term risks. I need to imagine how both options will feel. I want to minimize risk whenever I can and make a thorough plan before moving forward. Adam is a slow decision-maker too so you can imagine how long it takes us to pick a restaurant. Tip: Be patient with your HSP as they weigh decisions. If you want to help them choose a restaurant more quickly, ask which options they don’t want so they’re less overwhelmed by the possibilities.

3. If I don’t notice I’m being messy, in a kind way, start a conversation about splitting up chores. If I’m all in my head, I can walk by a pile of dirty kitchen hand towels five times before I see them and take them to the washer. I’m a walking dichotomy. I don’t like chaotic spaces, but I can go for days without noticing the mess I’m making on the corner of the kitchen island. But I value taking responsibility for my actions and doing my part and contributing. I’m malleable and want Adam to be happy so I pay attention when he gets irritated about it. Tip: Have a non-blaming, calm discussion about splitting up the chores or anything that’s bugging you. Creating clear mutually-agreed upon expectations will help. 

4. I get overwhelmed from noticing everything all the time. My sensory overload means I need downtime. As an HSP, my super senses notice little details everywhere I go. I can’t shut it off so I notice every text notification, weird smell, crying baby, and furrowed brow in the room. That’s why I love being at home more than anywhere else. At least I know where all the weird smells and phone noises are coming from. I also get more fatigued by learning new things or situations that take endurance like waiting in an airport for a delayed flight. By telling Adam about high sensitivity, he now knows why I ask him to shut off the light in the bathroom so it’s not shining in my eyes or to turn down the TV. And why I can’t eek out another hour of socializing after being with friends for hours and hours. Tip: Educate your mate about sensitivity and build quiet time into any itinerary. 

5. A calm conversation about our feelings goes a long way. I need that to feel connected with you. I don’t love conflict and controversy. Adam is the kind of guy who can talk about his feelings and admit when he’s at fault, which makes it safe for me to share what’s on my mind. A few times early on he said I was being “sensitive” but after some education about high sensitivity, he understands how loaded that word is for me. He gets that I need to feel seen and heard in order to feel connected and he is respectful of my sensitivity. Tip: Acknowledge your HSP partner’s right to feel as they do and be respectful of their sensitivity. 

6. My mind imagines the worst case scenario first. Share news without triggering my nervous system. If you’re telling a dramatic story, start by saying everything is fine and then give me all the gory details about how the dog ran out into the street and almost got hit by a car. Otherwise I’m on the edge of my seat and get more and more amped up, wasting precious energy. Tip: Couch your news with “everything is okay” first. 

7. I’m a master at reading people. I’m very attuned to those around me and may need you to help me make sense of what I’m noticing. I soak up nuances of what’s going on with the people around me. Tone of voice, facial expression, the deeper meaning behind your words, and even the energy behind your eyes. This means that meeting new people like your friends and family is draining. I’m constantly reading cues to determine how trustworthy someone is. And I will feel it if something is off.  More than once, Adam has confirmed that my intuitions have been spot on when I’ve met new people. Tip: An honest and calm conversation about what’s going on will put me at ease. Never suggest I’m being paranoid.

8. My super senses are tuned into beauty. I’m easily delighted and easily moved. Don’t cringe if I tear up. Do something kind, praise me, show me a beautiful sunset or take me to Disney World and I am in heaven. I get caught up in the magic of life more than other people. I’m easily moved to tears when something is beautiful or when I hear a touching personal story. Adam is a big sap, which means I never have to hide my emotion. But if you’re not, please don’t judge your mate’s tears. That will drive a wedge between you. Tip: Little kind gestures go a long way with me. Make sure to always carry a tissue and don’t judge us for our tears.

How to love and live with an HSP

I want to be the best partner I can be. And having time to quietly recharge lets me do that.

Ultimately, for any relationship with an HSP to work, their partner needs to see sensitivity as a strength, not a weakness. And to get it that the introverted HSP’s need for quiet time is essential and not self-indulgent.

The best gift you can give me is to let me show up as my authentic HSP self and value me for it. Not in spite of it. 

I shine when you accept me as I am.